Love Pink [Chapter 6]

*peeks around kitchen counter* ok...now I know you guys might be a little upset because it's been so long...*dodges flying tomatoes* but this was really tough. Maria & Drake were being especially difficult this chapter. But we promise we won't have you wait this long again. So just relax, grab a spoon & get ready to dig in. You're gonna love this snack. Oh, & by the way, we need you to do this TINY little favor for us though. See, there's this tumblr...& it's gonna be FULL of dricki tea. So, we think you should follow it. It's a timeline of all known tea, IN ORDER. How fucking cool is that?! You won't regret it, you guys, promise. Follow it here ---> http://drickirevealed.tumblr.com . Ok. Enough of the small talk. Bon apetit! XO

“So you ate dinner…”

“Yes.”

“And then you kissed?” This was the third time she asked me. Why did I have to keep saying it?

“Then you went for a walk & you guys ended up on the beach.”

“Yes, Nicki."

“That’s so romantic.” She sighed.

Was she serious?

“And you guys didn’t do anything? He didn’t even finger yo-“

“Nicki nothing happened. What is the point of all of this?” I can’t keep answering the same question over & over again. This is insane.

“I'm sorry, sweetheart. I just can’t believe it. I mean, I was fully expecting you guys to be back in like 15 minutes.” If only she knew.

“So, where do we go from here?” he asked her.

She shrugged. “Well, I don't know. It’s really up to the two of you. I'm ready for our happily ever after, honestly.”

“I don't think we’re ready for such a serious commitment after just one date. We need to know each other better.”

I didn’t like to agree with him, but tonight I would. I'm still so confused about…well everything. There’s no way I can make up my mind about what I want to do or where I want this to go right now. Part of me was ready to tear their clothes off. But then another part of me was angry. I did what she asked; I went on the stupid date. I'm ready for him to go now. But then there was this tiny part of me, a part that kept growing with every second that I stayed near him, that was ashamed. Ashamed that I wanted him, too. Ashamed that I could see what she saw and wanted to have it for myself…….just once. I know there was no way that I could choose him over her, but with every tick of the clock, I grew more curious. I wanted to know what it was like. To be with him. To have him do the things he did to her. But if I admitted that; if I said that out loud…no. I don't want her to get the wrong idea; to think that I just wanted him & not her. But I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of being right. That after one date….he had enticed me.

Nicki looked down at the floor for a moment, cocking her lips to the left side of her face, making her dimple go deep into her cheek before switching sides.

“I’m sorry, darling. You’re absolutely right.”

She stood up from the sofa & kissed us both on our cheeks. This can’t be good.

“So, I'm going to bed. I’ll let the two of you stay out here & talk so you can get to know each other better.” She said before walking to the bedroom & closing the door behind her.

Wait a minute!

Great. Just fucking great. She's mad at me. This isn’t new but does get tiresome. Every time. Every fucking time anything happened that had to do with him, she got like this. Why did he even have to suggest that we needed more time? Especially since it was my night to be with her. Wait, uuuuugh!!! You see how that sounds?! This needs to stop. Deep down, I knew I didn’t want to do this. But if that’s what it would take to get her to stop acting like this, I would. I would probably hate myself after, but I just want it to be over. But there was nothing I could do about it right now. I had to figure out something else to do besides sulk over it. So, I sat, staring at the damask pattern of the carpet, wondering what I could say to make conversation.

I looked over at Drake; a stoic expression on his face, his leg bouncing against the floor. I don't know if he could tell I was about to say something, but as soon as I opened my mouth, he stopped me.

“Why don't we just go to bed? It’s been a long day.”

His tone is so icy.

“Are….are you mad at me or something?” I asked.

“Do you want to take the couch?”

“Drake…”

“I can take the floor.”

He slid off the sofa onto the carpet with a pillow clutched to his chest.

“Why are you avoiding my question?” I asked.

“Actually, I can just go home.”

He started to get up when I moved over, placing a hand delicately on his chest.

“Aubrey,” I said quietly, “what’s going on?”

He heaved out a breath, looking down.

“Nothing.” He said, adjusting his collar. “I'm sorry. What do you want to talk about?” he said, smiling.

Oh, so that was the mask.

“Look, I know we’re not exactly friends or anything. But I’d like to think that after the night we’ve just shared, we could at least talk to each other.”

I stared at him until he finally softened his resolve, letting his hands wash over his face.

“This shit is so frustrating.”

“What do you mean?”

“This whole situation.” He let his knees come up to his chest before letting his arms rest on them. “Ugh, its just 1 big headache. I wish she would just choose 1 of us & let it be over with. I'm tired of the games. Tired of the waiting & wondering. I'm tired of everyday, anticipating the moment that she might call me & tell me she doesn’t love me as much as I love her.”

I let my hand fall down his chest before sitting on my heels & pulling away completely. Hearing him say that, the man that has always had this strange advantage on me, made it all seem that much more real. It was also strange to know there was another person feeling the way I'm feeling about the exact same person. But it hurt knowing there was nothing I could say to comfort him. He seemed to be such a sweet person; he didn’t deserve to be in agony like this. I wish I could truthfully tell him that everything was going to be ok. That everything would go his way. But telling him that would mean that I was giving up my stake in this & that wasn’t a part of my plan.

I would never stop fighting for her.

I let myself fall back on the carpet, staring at the ceiling. This really sucks. Being in limbo was never a good feeling at all. But what else could we do other than wait? Honestly, the only thing that kept me holding on most days was the thoughts of what it would be like once I had her all to myself. Maybe that was all he had too. But every day, that vision got more & more blurry.

I looked over at him, his posture rigid & cold. He looked like he was in actual, physical pain. Fuck. I couldn’t just let him sit here like this. Enemy or not, after tonight, we both deserved a little happiness.

“So…you're not mad at me?”

He smiled, shaking his head.

For the record, Drake’s teeth plus his dimples equals ovarian explosion.

“Nah. I honestly wish I said that myself. I have to remind myself constantly that it’s not a good thing to let her keep walking all over me.”

“Well good. Because I only want you to be angry when I'm doing it on purpose.”

He chuckled at me a little, but he still looked upset.

“Hey.” I said, pulling at his pant leg.

He looked down at me, a brow raised.

“Best case scenario, what happens?”

“What?”

“If you could say what happens, like in a perfect world, what would you want to happen in the end?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I don't, really.”

“So why are you asking?”

“Humor me.”

He cut his eyes at me. He knows he wants to laugh, but he didn’t. Instead, he only looked down & smiled.

“Alright. Well, best case scenario, she leaves you so I can give her everything I want to give her.”

“Like what?”

He was quiet for a while. His eyes told me that his mind was somewhere else. Maybe memories of a time before I was part of the equation, a place reserved for him & Nicki only.

“Like my last name. My children. My soul. Everything.”

A vision of Nicki holding a tiny bundle crossed my mind. Him to the left, snapping pictures & smiling. I wanted to be mad at the thought, but I wasn’t. It wasn’t a bad thought. At least with him, I knew she would be happy. It worried me that it was a possibility. But at the same time, I like the idea of this backup plan.

"What about you? What do you see?” he said, nudging me with his knee.

“I don't know.” I shrugged.

“Liar. I know the thought of never having to see my face again makes you quiver with joy.” I laughed because, well, it did. I thought about it all the time. But I don't think now is the time to fill him in on my murder plot. Besides, that’s not the only thing that makes me quiver.

“All I really want is to be with her. To kiss her & touch her. To hold her while she sleeps & wipe her tears when she cries. To devote myself to her & wake up every day, knowing I mean something to someone who means everything to me.” He smirked. I didn’t get the joke.

“You make it all sound so poetic. I might have to quote you in a song one day.”

“Is that supposed to be a joke?”

“No I'm serious. I love that you have such fantastic idealism. I had that once. But then I got her.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He stretched out beside me, his body in the opposite direction of mine.

“Nicki is messy. She never picks up behind herself & always cheats at spades. She’s mean every 3rd Thursday of the month & she has this uncanny ability to trick people into thinking that not doing something she says is punishable by death, even if it’s the right thing to do. She's spoiled & selfish & a complete control freak.”

“So why be with her, then?”

“Because she's caring & sweet. She wakes up looking picture perfect but always thinks she's a disaster. The fact that she doesn’t even know how extraordinary she is, is, in itself, remarkable. She's humble even though she's a megastar & keeps me grounded. And even though she tries to take over every aspect of my life, she's good at it. She’s everything I'm not. Everything I aspire to be & more than I could ever ask for in a woman. More than I could ever deserve. Being with Onika has been the hardest thing I've ever done and that is not an exaggeration. But I've always believed in the idea that, if I want something bad enough, and I work for it, it’s only a matter of time before it’s mine. Its worked so far so I don't want to stop now?”

“So that’s what it’s about? You want to get what’s yours? What belongs to you? All you want to do is control her.”

He was laughing now.

“She was right about you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She told me you always think the worst in people. But it’s not a bad thing. She says that your unique…gift, has always helped her not to be taken advantage of.”

“Funny how she tells you all of these things, but never tells me anything about you.”

“She says it’s because you're hypersensitive. You’d rather not know anything about me. You just want to live in a world where I don't exist.”

“Well from what you’ve said, you wish I didn’t exist either. So is that all a front?”

“Oh no, I definitely want you gone. But I like to know my enemy.”

Why had I never thought of that before? All this time I really have been trying to pretend he didn’t matter & I thought it had been working for me. But all it ever got me was arguments & the cold shoulder. He had always had the upper hand. This was why she always seemed so much more comfortable around him. I smirked.

“And here I was, thinking you had the upper hand because of your penis.” His turn to smirk now.

“Well, that is one of my many advantages.”

“You’re so full of yourself.”

“I'm really not. I just know being able to keep her full of me is one of my strengths.”

“So you think you’re well endowed?”

“Oh, I know I am. But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.” He nodded down to his crotch. He said know your enemy, right? But what if he was right? What if he had a real Mandingo? Could I handle knowing what he was working with before I secured my position by Nicki’s side? No. he’s trying to psych me out. This is what he wants. I’m not falling for it. That would just be one more thing he could hold over me.

“No thanks, I’d rather not.”

“You're not the least bit curious?”

“I’ll find out soon enough.”

“You sure? This might be your only chance.”

“Oh no, I'm seeing this through the end.” He nodded, approvingly.

“You learn quick, young grasshopper.”

“Yeah, no more of you having the upper hand in this. I'm taking over.”

“I'm surprised you didn’t realize it sooner. You’ve known her twice as long as I have.”

“Yeah well, our situation is a little more taboo than yours is. Nobody is going to be too shocked if you two end up together.”

“True, but it might work out better if you weren’t so hostile.”

“You think I'm hostile?”

“Very.” I was quiet, letting this sink in. I liked to think I was a nice, open-minded person. Well, most of the time. But he didn’t even know me & he could already tell I was hard to deal with. And that’s just who I was! How could I change that now? Did I even really want to? I don't know. This is all too much. Now I'm the one getting depressed. I rolled over on my side, not sure if I wanted to scream or cry, or both, when I felt his fingers tugging at my hair.

“Hey.” He said.

I rolled over, my face back to the ceiling. His lips brushed against my lobe & for a second, we were back at Lula Blue’s, sipping a toxic milkshake.

“I'm going to let you in on a little secret.” He whispers. His index finger is making ringlets of my loose strands.

“A little kindness goes a long way.” He lulled to me. “I shouldn’t be telling you this but, hating me won’t get you any closer to where you want to be. All it does is make her want me more.”

“You’re right.” I said, “You shouldn’t be telling me this.” He should be trying to make me the weakest link. This made me suspicious of him. was he really saying this to help, or was he using some Jedi mind trick on me by telling me exactly what I needed to do in hopes that because he was the one telling me, I would do the exact opposite? How dumb does he think I am?!

On the other hand, his advice made sense, but I was wary of taking it. He shrugged at me.

“I don't know what you're trying to pull,” I said, frankly, “but you think you're going to psych me out by giving me advice that-“

“No.” he interjected. “its not like that.” Sure it wasn’t.

“I don't want to confuse you. I'm not trying to sabotage you. I want you to take my advice seriously.” He sounded so melancholy. Maybe this wasn’t a scare tactic.

“Why? All this is going to do is make it harder for you to get what you want.

“I know.” He said quietly.

“so then whats up with you & all the mixed signals? Why are you giving me advice on how to win, when you're still playing the game?” He shrugged in such a hopeless way.

“I don't know. I guess a part of me doesn’t want to win.”

“then what the hell is the point?!” I yelled.

I'm fighting for my life here! If he doesn’t want to do this, he can go because I love her too damn much to be unsure if I wanted to keep going. I was all in. If he wasn’t, he needs to be real & step the fuck back.

“I just want it to be an even fight. If I wanted to just beat you, I could have. But…a part of me just…kind of…doesn’t feel like I deserve her.”

“But I thought you said-“

“I know what I said. But sometimes I feel like….maybe I'm not what’s best for her. And in the end, that’s most important. So if getting her that means I have to sacrifice some of my leverage, so be it.”

I sat up, frustrated. “I don't understand you. You want me gone, but you try to help me win. What are you really trying to do?!”

“I told you already.”

“No, you're trying to fuck my mind up & get me to take myself out of the equation so you don't look like the bad guy.” He was laughing. Can you believe it? Laughing!

“What the fuck is so funny?!” I yelled.

“You!” he cackled.

“Me?!”

“You honestly think I would do that? Please, that’s making it harder than it has to be. If I really wanted to get rid of you, I’d just keep doing what I'm doing. Being my nice, personable self, while mind-fucking you in the process. All of those bruises & bite marks…they’re all for you. I mean, of course Nicki likes it a little rough, but I know that when she comes back to you & you take her clothes off, those marks let you know she’s mine.” He growled that last word, his lips curving around it with ferocity. He was getting angry now.

“I know that that’s something you can’t deal with. And there’s nothing you can do about it because there would be no legitimate reason as to why she should leave me for you. Why would she? I can give her pleasure in ways you can’t even fathom. All you would do is blow up, drive everything out of proportion & drive her away for good. Or better yet, if I REALLY wanted you gone, I would’ve fucked you on that beach. Given you something you couldn’t help but be hungry for. And don't tell me that wouldn’t happen because I see the way you look at me. You’ve been wondering what it would be like with me since the beginning. I could’ve done that & thrown the balance of this situation off & sooner or later, her jealousy would get the better of her & she would want you gone. So for you to say that I would give you good advice jut to get rid of you is ludicrous & an insult to my character. I've told you already: stop making assumptions about me.”

All I could do is lay there & sulk. He was right. He was fucking right and I hated it.

“What I want…what I really want is for us to be on even ground. Because sometimes…I know I don't deserve her. And I've fucked over some women, good women. I know karma is just biding her time before she comes biting me in the ass. I just don't want that to happen while I'm with Nicki. If I lost her because of some stupid shit I did when I was young & dumb……..that would be the end of me. And on top of that, if I just drove you away, I know there would always be that question looming in the back of her mind. ‘Did I make the right choice?’ ‘Was I too hard on her?’ ‘Did Aubrey scare her off?’ No. I don't want any of that. I want her to know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she loves me & me alone. No questions.”

Drake was right; Nicki became distant whenever I talked about him. And I'm almost certain that it had to do with the negative undertone I always used. Talking down on him was doing absolutely nothing for me because the horrible truth was that she loved him & there was nothing I could do about it. And talking bad about a person she loved would get you nowhere.

She didn’t take it from viola or TT when they talked about me. Hell, she didn’t even take it from me when I talked about Safaree. I should’ve realized this sooner. But I guess I didn’t because it’s different with us, you know? We’ve been friend for years. It’s hard to comprehend that these same feelings she has for us, she could have for a person she's known half that time. Before now, I couldn’t really think of her caring about anyone else outside of our little group of friends.

And he presented a very good point. If I kept acting like this, I would sever our bond & she would leave. She knows I'm a good person. She knows I love her. But it won’t meant anything if I don't show her that. Especially at a time like this. So far I've been being incredibly selfish & totally disregarded her feelings about this. I couldn’t see past my hurt & my struggle to cope with her emotions. I had to think about how she was really feeling and, even though the thought made me sick, how Drake was feeling as well. He was doing so well because he could easily predict my emotions. Because I wore my disdain for him so proudly on my sleeve. I had to stop doing that. I had to stop subliminally condescending him. I had to stop fighting him so hard & worry about fighting for her.

Basically what it all boiled down to was; if I didn’t have anything nice to say, shut the hell up.

I huffed a piece of hair out of my face, frustrated. Why did he have to make so much sense?

“Drake…”

“Don’t.” he said, stopping my train of thought.

“What?”

“Apologizing. You're horrible at them anyway.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm feeling like a really shitty person right now.” He brought his hand up, stroking my cheek softly.

“You want me to believe you're sorry? Take my advice. Give me a real fight.” He said before placing his lips to my forehead.

He pulled away & rolled back onto his back, hands behind his head. Ok, he wanted me to take his advice? Fine. I would. It could only help me in the long run. And it wasn’t exactly hard pretending I liked him. I was already half way there.

I rolled onto my stomach; my hair falling all around our faces as I hovered over him. I looked at him as he looked at me, confused. I inched closer, setting us off center as I inched closer to his lips. His cool, steady breath was on me, almost begging my lips to part for him. Slowly, our lips touched & I kissed him. Very Peter Parker-Mary Jane Watson in fashion. My left hand was on its way down his chest, pausing momentarily to unbutton his shirt as I moved along. His chest rose & fell faster & faster as I got closer to his belt buckle. His hands met mine there, undoing his belt for me. Using my nail, I inched my middle finger under the band of his steel grey POLO boxers. The pad of my finger smoothed over the fine hair on his pelvic area. His skin was so soft here. My lips were traveling down his neck now. As I moved to his chest, his lips were traveling down my body, my breasts the first stop. 

He reached back, putting his warm hands on the back of my thighs, inching up the skirt of my dress. My back arched slightly as I felt the slight pressure of his lips just above my navel. My lower half exposed, his hands at my waist now, urging me forward. I moved down his chest until my lips were at his belt loops. He was all but salivating as he gazed up at my center that was now conveniently over his lips. I wondered if he could smell the sweet scent of my arousal right now. I could certainly see his. His hands moved eagerly back to my hips, gripping & smacking my backside gently, awaiting my signal for him to dive in.

He should’ve filled up at Lula Blue’s. There would be no late night snack tonight.

I got to my feet, strutting to the open bathroom & pausing at the vanity. I grabbed an elastic band from above the sink & tied my hair up into a messy bun. Glancing over, I saw him staring at me. He was on his side, facing me, one belt straight up in the air as the other lay flat. His left arm was up, a perch for his head as he watched me.

I hope he enjoys the show.

Once my hair was up, I slipped the shoulder straps down & slid my arms out. Next I turned away from him & slid the entire dress over my head; leaving me in just my panties & my pumps. Turing around once again, I reached inside the shower stall & turned on the steaming hot spray. One look at my bare chest & he was on his feet. I paid him no mind as he walked up to me, pressing his erection against my rear. I simply stood straight & walked over to the vanity. I grabbed a few makeup wipes & cleaned what little makeup I had left on me. It wasn’t really necessary but I liked teasing him. I pulled down my panties, letting them circle my feet. I stepped out of them & attempted to turn back around to the now steam filled shower, when he caught me my waist, thrusting me back on him. I caught his reflection in the mirror, gazing at me hungrily. His fingers tracing the tattoo along my bikini line. Nothing fancy. Just a line of tiny sparrows that flew downward. He followed them right down to my entrance. I arched my back, pushing myself into him & distancing his fingers from such a sensitive spot. I turned to face him, kissing furiously. He didn’t even seem to notice when I pushed him up against the door frame.

With one hand, I held his hands slightly above his head, still kissing as I grabbed the door with my free hand. The door hit his foot; making him want to stop for a moment to catch his breath. He tried to step around the door, back inside the bathroom, but I stopped him. He looked at me, puzzled.

“What’s going on?” he asked breathlessly.

His voice was so deep & full of lust, I almost didn’t want to continue with my plan.

Almost.

I nudged his foot all the way out the door & smiled. “This, sensei, is when the teacher…now becomes the student.”

And with that, I closed the door.

I heard him slump against the mahogany & groan. I cracked the door a little & laughed at him.

“This is no fair.” He said, looking pitiful as he massaged his erection. He licked his lips. Mmmmm.

“Life’s not fair, sweetie.” I bantered.

“I'm going to get you back for this.”

“We’ll see.” I giggled before closing the door on him.

I slipped off my shoes & got into the shower. The heated liquid beating on my flesh felt good after such a tense & stressful night. Especially since the majority of the tension was of the sexual sort. I needed some relief & Nicki wasn’t available to me tonight, so I guess I would have to do it myself.

I leaned back, letting my body rest on the back wall as I rubbed myself slowly. They weren’t Nicki’s hands, but they would have to do. I moaned a little, imagining her with me as I flicked & twisted my nipple. Biting down on my lip, I moved my fingers inside, letting them find their own rhythm as my thighs became wetter with more than just shower water. My hands moved faster; probing deeper, twisting harder. Ugh, I was almost there, yeeeees!

“Ok now you're just being mean!” Drake said from the other side of the door. Shit! He was listening! Now he had said something & threw me off guard.

“Go away!” I shouted.

“No way!” he laughed. “You sound kind of sexy.”

“Leave me alone.” I groaned as I tried to find my rhythm again.

“Oh yeah, just like that. That sexual groan with a hint of frustration. It really turns me on.” He said sarcastically.

“Please go awaaaaaaaaaaaay!” I cried as ran my fingers between my folds.

“Alright,” he said, “if you insist.”

I hoped he was gone because I'm ready to explode. I moved my fingers faster & faster across my pearl until finally combusting in broken panting & long, soft moans.

Aaaaaaaaaaah, so much better.

Now that I was thoroughly clean and somewhat relieved, I hopped out the shower & wrapped myself in a plush, royal blue towel. Ooooooh, this feels nice! I would have to tell Nicki we needed these at home.

I opened the door, fully expecting to see an angry Drake, burning a hole into the carpet with his eyes. That, or he'd be sleeping. But to my surprise, I saw neither.

What?

Where was he? Did he go home? Hmmm, oh well. I clicked off the light & headed down the short corridor to where our bedroom was, careful not to make too much noise. I didn't want to wake Nicki. I was almost to the door when I heard them talking.

"...thought you liked her?" This BASTARD!

"Oh, I do. She's lovely. But I just..."

"Just what?" Yeah, Drake, just what?

"Can we talk about this later?" I peeked inside the slightly cracked door. From what I could tell, they were naked.

I flinched back, away from the door as I covered my mouth. Every bit of air left my body. How...how could she do this? Like, ok, I know she likes him and I know I agreed to deal with this but...I didn't think I would ever actually see this. Tears stung my eyes. I could see their mid-sections pressed together; him moving between her legs.

"Why don't we talk about this now?" she panted.

"No. After. Now, shut up."

"Wait, do you have a condom?" She moaned loudly, clearly indicating he had entered her. But I didn't hear him answer her question.

Oh HELL no.

"Drake, stop."

"Shhhhhhhhhhh, don't talk. Just feel."

"No, Drake, stop." she said. Her voice sounded hollow; the last word very unsteady. What did he do?

I peeked in again & watched as he stopped & pulled away; probably looking at her. "What's wrong?" he asked.

I could hear her sniffle.

What just happened?

he sighed heavily before laying his head on her bare stomach. "I'm sorry, love." he he whispered.

She smoothed her hand over his curls as she hiccuped out a cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he muttered over & over as he sat up, pulling her into an embrace in the upright position.

Why was he apologizing?

"It's ok, its not your fault." she said somberly. Her nails raked over his shoulders.

"No, it is. I should've asked if it was ok. I just assumed because of last time...I thought it was starting to get easier for you after all this time."

All what time? What is he talking about?

"I thought I was over it. I really did. But after the last time, it didn't feel right. I just..." Her voice cracked & pain and sorrow took over.

I wanted to go in. I wanted to comfort her so badly. But I knew I was witnessing something I wasn't supposed to. If I walked in now, I would never know what happened.

And I needed to know.

I watched helplessly as his arms caressed her. Grief stricken when I saw her beautiful brown eyes filled with tears. 

"It's okay. You don't have to be over it. I'm not over it. This is going to be with us forever. This is serious. This was our baby."

Baby. He said baby.

I backed away & let my body slide down the wall. Nicki...and he...they...oh my god.

She never told me this! She never told anyone. I know she didn't, I would've heard about it. And that's what killed me. Onika only kept things inside that really bothered her.

Like when she was almost raped 10 years ago. if I wasn't there, I would never have known. She still, to this day, refuses to tell me exactly what went on. She crept into my window from the fire escape, not saying a word. The only thing she said to me after she got out of my shower & put on one of my extra t-shirts was "It never happened."

She cried into my pillow that night, but the next morning, she was fine. But I know it still bothers her. The way she looks at people; the way she winces when unfamiliar people unexpectedly touch her without permission. It's less noticeable, but it's still there.

But this...this is different. After the last time, she swore she would never let something like this happen again. She convinced herself that aborting her baby was the right thing for her at the time & moved on.

What happened? Why didn't she have the baby? I could never compete with this. Maybe this was my chance to bow out & let them find their little piece of happiness.

The image I had earlier tonight of the two of them ran through my mind again. Only this time, she handed the child off to it's mother. I pictured Drake putting his arm around her; the two of them sharing an embrace & sighing heavily as the woman pushed the stroller, leaving them in the distance.

So many things were coming together in my mind now. She always had this look of longing on her face when she saw babies. I thought it was just because of the abortion. Maybe she was feeling a little bit of regret. How could she have not told me? She tells me everything. How could she have dealt with these losses all by herself for so long?

"I wasn't thinking. I was just so wrapped up in I wanted at the time. I didn't mean to send you back to that place." he said, his hands skimming the skin of her back.

"I know you didn't." she whimpered.

They both fell silent for a while until he spoke again. "Maybe the solution to this is to just-"

"No. Not right now."

"I just hate seeing you like this.”

"But Maria-"

"So what about Maria? That doesn't have anything to do with us."

"She is us. She is me. I love her."

"Nicki-"

"No. The answer is no. I don't need that right now." She slid off his lap & walked to the other side of the room.

"Why not?" he asked. "You really think this is going to work between us? You think we can do this & everyone get exactly what they want? You, her, me?"

She turned around to face him, a little more than 2 feet away from him. "What do you mean?"

"You know EXACTLY what I mean. She wants things, I want things. But the only person who's getting anything they want is YOU! YOU get both of us. YOU get to be showered with affection from two people that genuinely care about you. But Maria gets what? To be the secret? She wants a real relationship & you're giving her this fantasy of something that you can't deliver. You can't give her everything she wants & still be with me because what she wants is YOU! Just you & I don't blame her. I want the same thing. How am I ever...how are we ever supposed to get back what we lost if she's in the picture?"

He leaped up from the bed, quickly closing the distance between them. All his muscles were tense & bulging. He sank to his knees, gripping her waist tightly. It looked like it might be uncomfortable. I could see the veins bulging at his temple. I've never seen a man look so anguished before. Are those tears?

"For four years, I've been living with this guilt. This guilt that's eating away at me. That maybe this is my fault. That I made you make this horrible decision. I was a coward. I should have stood up for you; protected you. And instead I made you make one of the biggest mistakes of your life. I should have never let you go through that again. And I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. And I want to make it up to you. I want to make it better, but I can't. How can we gain retribution for what we lost if we can't even be intimate with each other? You're not the only one that ones that back. And now we're in a place where we don't have to worry about what anyone else says. We made it. We decided that the abortion was a good thing because we had to be something. And we are. Finally nothing is holding us back. Nothing but you."

Nicki pulled away from his grasp. "Well, what do you want me to do? Just like I fell in love with you when I knew I shouldn't, I fell in love with her. I've loved her five times longer than I've even known you. And I can't make that go away. No matter how hard I try. And honestly, I don't want to. I've sacrificed; held back my feelings for the people I care about for so long. And their feelings have been withheld from me. Right now, I deserve all the love this world has to offer me. Can you blame me? Because I want love? Love that I can't from the people I want it from the most."

"But that's the thing. You can have that love. I can give it to you. We can have more children."

"You don't get it. No matter how many we have, its never going to bring back the 2 I lost. The one you lost. And I know you feel like it's partly your fault but this is my body. At the end of the day, I made the choice. But you agreed so the only thing we can keep trying to do is move on. And I'm trying to do that with you and with Maria. But the two of you are making it impossible."

"How am I making it impossible? I'm willing to do anything for you. I'd move the sun & moon for you. I'm trying everything I can to make her comfortable but she's not. She just isn't ready. And I respect that but I don't wanna wait forever to have you."

My emotions are so askew. I have no idea how to process everything he's been saying right now. He got her pregnant. And persuaded her to have an abortion for whatever reason. That in itself made me want to tear his face off. But at the same time, Nicki wouldn't have done it if she really didn't believe it was the right thing. I keep letting his voice reel over in my mind from earlier when he said he wanted to give her his children & that was taking on a deeper meaning for me.

But at the same time, Nicki was here, with this man that she had such deep emotional history with, defending her love for me. Telling him she loved me first and she wasn't willing to let it go so easily. And that reason alone was enough for me to know that I couldn't give up on her like I so desperately wanted to just a few short minutes ago. She was fighting for me. It was only right that I do the same.

I took a deep breath before standing up straight & tossing my hair over my shoulders. I don't know what Drake would do now, but I didn't care. I didn't want to think about him anymore. I only wanted to think about doing what was best for Onika. She needs this from me & for the 1st time, I get it. I really understand that I have to- want to give her what shes been yearning for & that's all of my love.

I undid my towel, letting it fall to the ground around me before pushing open the door to the room. They both turned to look at me, completely shocked.

"Maria..." Nicki manged to get out.

I looked at her, my face poised & serious, then over at him. "I think it's time we had that talk." I announced.

"I'm ready."